Here is something that will motivate you for the rest of the day.
TO ALL MY 'NUTTY' FRIENDS
TO ALL MY 'NUTTY' FRIENDS
Have a fabulous STRESS FREE day!
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their arses. The results were pretty interesting: 30% of women think their arse is too fat............ 10% of women think their arse is too skinny...... The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.
Speeding Ticket
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!
Don't Mess With Old Ladies
If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone you know.
I just did!
INNER PEACE
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we could all do with a little calm. By following the simple advice Iread in an article, I have finally found inner peace.
The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you have started".
So I looked round the house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished . And before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Baileys, three Bacardi Breezers, the Jack Daniels,the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how bloody good I feel.
Spread the word to those you feel are in need of inner peace.
Girlie Wisdom - A Few reasons why we don't do somethings
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget
where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman
gain 5lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what
you are doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your
body and your fat are really good friends.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and
setting fire to my knickers.
Every 7 minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2
sizes!
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and
then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too
much; impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea
of a perfect day!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like..."You know,
sometimes I forget to eat!" Now... I've forgotten my address, my mother's
maiden name and my keys. But I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a
special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman
gain 5lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what
you are doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your
body and your fat are really good friends.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and
setting fire to my knickers.
Every 7 minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2
sizes!
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and
then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too
much; impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea
of a perfect day!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like..."You know,
sometimes I forget to eat!" Now... I've forgotten my address, my mother's
maiden name and my keys. But I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a
special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
CAR FOR SALE IN IRELAND!
Read ad first
Car for
The following is an actual advertisement in an Irish Newspaper..!
1985 Blue Volkswagen Golf
Only 15 km
Only first gear and reverse used
Never driven hard
Original tires
Original brakes
Original fuel and oil
Only 1 driver Owner
Wishing to sell due to employment lay-off
Please see photo below .
Wait for it....
This is good....... (to be sure, to be sure)
(Down)
CALLING IN SICK !!! CAT LOVER or NOT, THIS IS HYSTERICAL!
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'
'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-pa tter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'
'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'
There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'
So out I came, dripping wet and b utt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew!
Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
Help Desk
This is a true story from the Word Perfect Help-line which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Helpdesk employee was fired; however, he is currently suing the Word perfect organisation for “Termination without Cause.”
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee
(now we know why they record these conversations)!
“Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”
“Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
goes into it. Can you see that?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the
wall.”
“Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable.”
“Okay, here it is.”
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of
your computer.”
“I can’t reach.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“No.”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle-it’s because it’s
dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes, -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power failure.”
“A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re too f**k**g stupid to own a computer!”
Clever Woman?
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three
wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'
The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband
the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The
woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and
he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he
will be ten times richer than you.'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine.'
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild
heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers
: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good.
Male readers :
Please scroll down.
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
..
...
...
...
....
...
...
...
...
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that
women never listen.... !!
Hiya
Sometimes we all need a laugh, me more than most other people. So I can up with the idea that I will post all the really good jokes on here.
You can post jokes on the comments or send me the file at blogger_hotmail.com (if you email me please leave a comment to let me know as i do not check this email account very much)
You can post jokes on the comments or send me the file at blogger_hotmail.com (if you email me please leave a comment to let me know as i do not check this email account very much)
Why Parents Drink
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, ' No .'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' ' Yes '
'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman. '
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,
' The search team just landed a helicopter '
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
' ME '
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
